


it's just a sharpener to you

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders is a Mess, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Okay Ending, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Title from a Cavetown Song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:40:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28546509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Janus reflects on his past with self-harm.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 26





	it's just a sharpener to you

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: i do not know what happened with robin (cavetown) however it is not my apology to accept, and i have always separated the songs from the artist, so if you don't like his songs, don't read! 
> 
> no extra tws

_**sometimes seems like i'm still young, lookin' at the boy across the sink** _

Self-harm.

An addiction.

Some people think ' _how could people purposefully hurt themselves_?'.. Janus was never one of those people.

Given, he'd started young.

At ten, maybe early eleven, years old, he started to harm himself.

Before that, he never really thought about people hurting themselves.. or he doesn't remember if he did, but he wasn't someone who wondered why someone would do that.

It made sense to him.

Yeah, it was bad, and unhealthy, and terrible and everyone says it's an addiction and it's not worth it to start-- but he understood.

Any way to take away the pain.

Any way to distract from reality.

Any way to try to stay.

But maybe that's the childhood trauma talking.

_**thinking "what the hell have you just done?"** _ _**("what the hell have you just done?")** _

The first time, he felt.. nothing, actually.

Well, better than he had before he cut, but still.. not much. 

But just somewhere, just a little bit.. maybe he felt disgusted.

Disappointed, maybe? 

Though, at the time, he only felt.. meh about it.

Like it was just a thing that happened.

He doesn't remember if it helped much, but he continued to do it, so..

It didn't hurt, it was relief. 

As soon as he could remember how it felt, it's just relief.

Also, the blood looks pretty.

And the sting is welcome.

And it kept helping, and he kept doing it.

_**why am i ashamed to look the way i do? all** **'cause** _ **an escape to me was just a sharpener to you..**

The first tool Janus used was a blade from a pencil sharpener.

By the time he switched to bigger, better blades, he had a collection of 17 blades out of sharpeners.

However, he was stupid, inexperienced, and he'd brought the case into the shower.. without taking the right precautions.

And they all, every single fucking one of them, rusted.

He was still throughoutly pissed.

But thank fuck he didn't need it as much as he'd grow to need it, and within a few days of searching the house, he'd found two well-sized, actual razors.

It was after that when his want to cut deeper "to be valid" grew.

And his cuts got deeper, and he started to enjoy it.

He _loved_ to see the blood running down his wrists or thighs, he _loved_ when the cuts would gap and he could poke at the layer of skin he'd cut too, he _loved_ the dull stinging that traveled up his entire arm.. he loved it.

He wanted to go deeper, and he couldn't feel the pain he usually would, and he wanted to coat all his shit in that pretty, beautiful red liquid. 

And it got dangerous very fast.

After that crashed, he felt disgusted.. he shouldn't think so highly of self-harm and he shouldn't romanticize it so much, and he was such a terrible person and--

He got better eventually.

_**why am i afraid of things i let inside my room?** _

But in the process of getting better, he.. he was scared of himself.

Of what he could do with the razors.

Of how he knew he could hurt himself.

The logical response would be to get rid of the things he could hurt himself with, but..

He didn't like feeling that helpless.

He didn't like feeling so out-of-control, despite not having the self-harm in control.

If he didn't have his blades.. he felt so helpless without them.

As long as he has his blades, then he can make himself feel better.

He can have the promise of.. of what? Of fucking what? There's no-- nothing.. but it still gives him comfort to have the blades by him.

The comfort and.. security? Whatever it is, it greatly outweighs the fear of what he could do with them.

_**just wanted some company** _

He'd felt extremely lonely, and with the blade there.. it made him feel not alone.

It was silly, of course, but..

Whatever works.

Whatever helps.

And it did, so he continued to let it happen.

Self-harm ruined a lot of things for him.

Not only emotionally and physically, but it gave him an understanding and placement of things that shouldn't make you think or connect those things.

Pencil sharpeners, for example.

He can't see one without thinking that person is self-harming, or that he'll hurt himself with it if left alone.

He can't see any types of blades without imagining how much damage he could do to himself, and if he had it, he would.

Other things got fucked for him, but he doesn't have the energy to try to give a single shit and remember.

Self-harm isn't worth it, and it's never worth it to start, and it's a terrible and addictive thing.

And Janus wished he'd listened.

Because he started two years ago, and he keeps relapsing. 

_**broke the sharpener in two** _

**Author's Note:**

> cavetown go br
> 
> but anyway yeah idk what to say
> 
> first fic of 2021 go brr i guess
> 
> i want to relapse so here's a fic :)


End file.
